went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
