I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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