I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
BRING THE BAGELS
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
