The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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