i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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