it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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