I can text with my tongue
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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