PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
