yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
