At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
