I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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