There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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