nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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