You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
