I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Randomize
