No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
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In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
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You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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