Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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