I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
