Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
