I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
