were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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