I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
