I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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