so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
