dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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