Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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