Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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