Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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