he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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