I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
