I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
