Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
