Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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