I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
