God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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