Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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