i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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