What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
