I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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