you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
