Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
