I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
