Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
