Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
