so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
