Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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