I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
