Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
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