I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
