It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
