Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
