i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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