Hey man sorry I got all grabby
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
