Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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