you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I party with great urgency now.
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