What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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