I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
