I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
