i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
where are you?
Hypothermia
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
