a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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