I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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